The five worst Christmas movies

by Andy Campbell

Dec 19, 2007

We all have our holiday traditions, and for many, that includes sharing the holidays with the likes of Jimmy Stewart, Alastair Sim and Bing Crosby, or maybe Peter Billingsley and Chevy Chase. There is nothing like a good Christmas movie.

Just the same, there is also nothing quite like a bad Christmas movie. Now, to be clear, bad does not necessarily mean unwatchable. The movies on this list might be inept in their execution or even based on an idea that is completely ridiculous, but they are watchable, whether for an unintended laugh or simply the morbid fascination with which one regards a train wreck.

So, without further ado, here they are:

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

With a title like that, how can you lose? Kimar, the rather unimaginatively named King of Mars, is concerned that the Martian children (including a young Pia Zadora) aren’t having any fun. Does he build a playground? No. He leads a mission to Earth to kidnap Santa Claus.

The advanced Martian spacecraft handily evades a squadron of stock footage on arrival. You will note that the United States has launched B-52s to meet this threat, apparently as part of some strategy that involves getting a huge plane directly above an unidentified flying object and dropping an atomic bomb on it.

The spacecraft lands in the States (naturally) and the invaders Shanghai the best guides they can find – two small children. Proceeding to the North Pole, they snatch Santa and head for home. Along the way, the scheming Voldar, who sees jolly old Saint Nick as a threat to his way of life, attempts to kill Santa and the kids by flushing them out an airlock. And the plots (if not the plot) just keep coming on Mars as Kris Kringle transforms Martian society.

Santa Claus (1959)

Sure, plenty of Christmas movies have this title, but none are like this Mexican film imported, dubbed and distributed by K. Gordon Murray.

I’m not exactly sure how this movie came about, but I’m convinced there was peyote involved. How’s this for a plot? Santa and the wizard Merlin team up to save Christmas from Satan. Yes, it’s Saint Nick vs. Old Nick. But that’s not the weirdest thing going on here.

This Santa Claus lives in a floating palace in outer space, and his toys are manufactured by children from all over the world who toil away between long and very bad musical numbers. There is no explanation of just how these kids came to be there, but it seems like someone should be missing them.

From his base of operations, Santa keeps Earth under constant surveillance with an assortment of surreal devices that not only spy on the kiddies, but look into their minds as well. Creepy.

Things get even stranger when the devil calls forth his best minion, Pitch, a Spock-eared goof in red leotards, to corrupt all the children of the world. Pitch gets off to a great start by persuading three already-bad youngsters to throw a rock through a store window. At this rate, he should reach his goal by about the year 4729. Just the same, Santa sets out to stop him while making the usual Christmas Eve deliveries in his sleigh, pulled by eight creepy-looking mechanical reindeer.

Santa with Muscles (1996)

Hulk Hogan plays an obnoxious millionaire who gets konked on the head and believes he’s Santa Claus. Enough said.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)

This low-budget holiday stinker finds Santa and his sleigh stuck in the Florida sand. His reindeer, finding the climate too hot, somehow unhitched themselves and ditched him there. Santa is not so bright, however, sitting there in his furry suit with noticeable sweat stains under the arms.

The story opens at the North Pole, as the elves sing endlessly about Santa’s unexplained absence. Cutting to Florida, we find Santa singing endlessly about his predicament, but doing nothing about it, aside from whining.

Finally, the jolly whiner psychically summons all the nearby children, because Santa is apparently like Aquaman or something. Once they have a grasp of the situation, they hitch various farm and zoo animals to the sleigh with little success. Funny that they could find a gorilla, but not, say, a cop or any other grownup for that matter.

As all this is going on, Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn are watching from the bushes for reasons only the filmmakers know.

Thwarted, Santa sits down to tell the kids a story, which turns out to be a commercial for a now-defunct Florida amusement park called Pirates World. This story is, itself, a frame for yet another story – an already existing film of Thumbelina that someone apparently wanted to pad out with a crappy Santa story wrapped around a story about a girl going to Pirates World and imagining the Thumbelina story (complete with title and credits). Dizzy yet?

The Ice Cream Bunny eventually arrives. Not to spoil the ending, but the titular rodent (actually a guy in a really bad costume) offers Santa a ride home on a fire truck, and the pair start their road trip with a drive through….Pirates World!

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Last but not least, this is one bit of Star Wars history that will probably never see a commercial DVD release. George Lucas has been widely quoted as saying that if he had time and a hammer, he would personally smash every bootleg copy in circulation. This is not confirmed, however, but the following quote is genuine.

“That's one of those things that happened, and I just have to live with it.”

It seems George gave his blessing to the project, then left it in the hands of the folks at CBS while he made The Empire Strikes Back. What do you get when you cross the cheesy network variety specials of the 70s with the hottest movie of the 70s? You get The Star Wars Holiday Special.

If you’re over 30, you probably saw this when it aired, although you might have repressed the awful memory. CBS aired it for Thanksgiving 1978, and it hasn’t officially seen the light of day since. But thanks to the new home video recorders of the day, George’s shame has been preserved for all to see.

The story surrounds the family of Chewbacca as they await their patriarch’s return for “Life Day,” an ambiguous Wookie holiday that somewhat resembles Christmas. You should be warned that watching this special requires a commitment. You will be reminded of this during the opening scene, in which several minutes of dialog is entirely in “Wookie.” It’s gonna be a long haul.

As we follow the antics of Chewy’s relatives, with such clever names as Itchy and Lumpy, the big guy and Han Solo are busy evading footage from the movie, on their way home for the holidays. The other cast members make cameos, with Mark Hamill wearing so much makeup you might already believe Luke has a twin sister.

They are joined by just the sort of celebrities one would associate with Star Wars, primarily Harvey Korman, Art Carney and Bea Arthur.

This holiday horror has it all. Imperial stormtroopers ransack the house, Jefferson Starship plays a musical number, Grandpa Itchy watches naughty holograms, Harvey Korman flirts with Bea Arthur and Carrie Fisher sings a song set to the Star Wars theme.

After the full 97 minutes, you’ll feel like you’ve been watching for at least three hours. It says something when the most fun part of the video is the Kenner toy commercial someone was wise enough to leave in. The odd thing is, although you want to stop watching, you just can’t take your eyes away.

So, those are the big five. This list is purely subjective, but if you have a particularly sardonic sense of humour, these movies will make for some fun Christmas viewing. Just don’t watch The Star Wars Holiday Special alone.

Merry Christmas, and visit Pirates World!